Author Archives: So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

About So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

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I'm a bookworm, nature lover, kick-boxer, candy fiend, sci fi geek, home body, progressive Christian and part-time student. I love my crazy life and the messy, fun, stubborn, silly, brilliant people who populate it.
March 20, 2012

Aloha, Family Style

By So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

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It doesn’t get much more spectacular than this. Jagged black rock underfoot, ocean spray on my cheek, thundering waves in my ear and the hot Hawaiin sun beating down on it all. This cliff feels a little closer to the Creator. It smells like vacation: salt water, sunscreen and those little hotel soaps.

Sure, there are still meals to scrounge and pull-ups to change. Public toilets are infinitely more scary with their wide bowls and roaring flushes. I slink out of airport washrooms with an apologetic shrug. Fellow travelers must wonder what cruel torture my pint sized offspring is enduring as she shrieks and wails her displeasure. I can only hope their concerns are put to rest with her happy shouts of “I pee, Daddy! I pee!” as she runs down the concourse.

Bedtime is lost in the shuffle, though wake up time remains absolute, even with the time change. Communal sleeping arrangements are not that relaxing. Less so than ever when the eldest child begins puking up every thing she has ever eaten.

Apparently Gravol is one of the only things I forgot in my 43 hours of packing and re-packing. The U.S. has 17 flavours of M&Ms, but no Gravol (a foolproof cure for nauseated Canadian children, in case you’re wondering). So, the wee hours of the morning are spent re-decorating the bathroom at Waikiki Best Western, wide bowls and all.

Fortunately, after a few hours, her stomach is empty and she’s feeling much better. Now, she’s hungry. I may never be hungry again.

The continental breakfast wins us over, despite the cold eggs and warm milk. The fresh pineapple is sublime and POG (passion-orange-guava juice) is a new favourite. We are bound and determined to enjoy all activities which are preceded by the word “complimentary”.

Traveling with kids is not for the faint of heart. When we show up with our 3 kids, 7 carry-on bags and Tigger-themed stroller, we get looks that are half admiring, half pitying and half horrified. Don’t ask me how that math works, but it is predictable. Whether on a plane, tour bus or trendy restaurant we seem to cause a stir. It’s not like we have that many kids!

Also predictable is the doting Grandma-type we find everywhere we go. They are sweet and kind and, often, determined to give my children candy. Should I mention the puking to them at this point? Also, does our “no taking candy from strangers rule” apply to Dorothy from Saskatoon? After all, she has been sitting across the aisle for the past hour AND she’s Canadian.

The Polynesians believe that we are all “ohana” = family. These warm and approachable people called us “cousin” wherever we went this week. The cynic in me wonders if this is just a gimmick to charm tips from the wide-eyed tourists. Perhaps, but not entirely. After all, this is a culture that uses the same word for “hello”, “goodbye” and “I love you”.

And I think they are right. As crazy and overwhelming as traveling with kids can be, most of the people we meet along the way are friendly and helpful. They’ve carried our bags, entertained our children, given us directions, advice and even money. B fell in love with a small wooden frog, but we had used up all our cash. The lady beside us whipped out her wallet, before we could even protest, and bought it for her. We had never seen her before and we never will again.

Strangers like that remind me we really do come from the same big family. I’m thrilled my kids have seen the amazing sights, woven toys out of palm fronds, made music with bamboo sticks, learned to snorkel on the reef and eaten pig that had been roasted in a pit all day long. But mostly I’m glad they’ve learned that all people, even those with strange customs living in far off lands, are just cousins they’ve never met.

So here’s me, knowing that someday I will be the kindly Grandma across the aisle, foisting lint-covered candy on strange children everywhere I go.

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March 7, 2012

Parenting is a Made Up Song

By So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

Tonight I took a peek in B’s room while Glen was putting her to bed. She was sitting behind him with her little arms wrapped as far around him as she could, rocking him back and forth, back and forth, for all she was worth. She was singing “lullaa-byyyy an good-niiiiight. i loooove you. good sleep daaaaady. naaa-night” She then proceeded to rock and sing a personalized song to both her blankie and her stuffed Pluto.

Most nights we sing a few songs with her before prayers and good-night kiss. Twinkle, Twinkle and Jesus Loves Me are the perennial favourites. For the past month she’s also insisted on the “Lulla-bye Song” which, apparently, requires us to scoop her into our laps and rock her vigorously back and forth. There’s only one small hiccup…

neither of us know the words.

We know the tune and the opening line, but that’s about it. I tried to entice her with other songs, funny songs, sweet songs, songs I know the words to. I even tried the somewhat disturbing Rock-a-Bye Baby where the baby is strapped to a branch in a windstorm and is sent hurtling to the ground – very relaxing.

No dice. It’s the “Lullabye Song” or bust. So we did what parents have been doing since the dawn of time: we faked it.

We make up the words as we go. It’s become an intensely personal experience. I’ve included such phrases as “no more snotty nose” and “I hope your hic-cups get bet-ter”. Mostly we sing that we love her. We serenade her with our hopes for a good sleep and a fun day the next morning. It’s as much a blessing as the prayer that follows.

I’ve often lamented the confusing state of modern parenting. We no longer have the clear standards and uniform expectations that families in centuries past took for granted. Everything is up for debate:

homeschool, private school or public school

babywise or attachment parenting

limited screen time, immersed in technology or Amish

healthy food, vegan food, gluten free, organic or whatever you can scrounge off the floor of the McDonalds play structure…

There’s such a wide range of “good parenting” practices, with each one claiming to be the most successful/psychologically sound/biblical way. Usually there is some value in that particular philosophy. Usually I know at least one family whom I respect that embraces it. Usually I am left feeling confused and overwhelmed.

I don’t know the words to this song. And it kind of freaks me out.

We’re making it up as we go along. The harmonies change from one child to the next, because they are each so different. We find what fits the rhythm of our family and each situation. And most days the melody works.

Parenting is a made up song. It is a one of a kind composition. The tune is familiar, but each family is unique. So why should I worry if mine isn’t exactly like the book or that Stepford family at church? It’s not supposed to be.

So here’s me, a little bit off key most days, but still singing.

3 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in parenting

March 5, 2012

The Great Educational Debate: Grades vs. Learning

By So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

I’ve had a recurring nightmare for the past few weeks. Perhaps I should call it a “day-mare” since I’m usually awake when it slithers into my conscious mind.

I’m at the University, where I started taking classes in January. With shaking hands I turn in my Developmental Psychology paper, worth 60% (60%!!!!!!!) of my final grade.

In the inexplicable way that dreams often do, I skip ahead to the return of my graded essay. On the top is a giant red F.

F for fraud. F for faker… F for Failure.

The teaching staff morphs from my likeable Scottish professor into a group of angry, faceless beings. They shake their heads in disgust and instruct security to escort me from the premises immediately. I am ordered never to return again.

This neurotic little fantasy has not inspired me to greatness. I stare blankly at my laptop with the words 60%, 60%, 60%!!!!! echoing through my mind. After two weeks of false starts and half-hearted research The Impact of the Environment on the Cognitive Development of Preschool Children is no closer to being done than when I started. The pressure is paralyzing.

On the other hand…

It’s so different with my English assignments. I was thrown the first time I received one back with only witty comments and suggestions scrawled in the margins. I looked carefully through each page and even on the back. No mark.

I’ve been conditioned to work for a grade. I was slightly miffed. If I am not being measured, does it even count?

But I find myself craving these assignments. They flow easily. I enjoy them. It is some of my best work.

Because I forgot…

I attended a workshop at school last week: Study Skills for the Mature Student. Despite my penchance for slurpees and children’s fiction, the university has decided I am “mature”. It sounds so respectable. I’m not about to argue.

The speaker reminded us that we are here to collect knowledge, not grades. Marks do not always reflect learning. And my GPA is not a measure of my worth.

She seemed like a nice kid. And frankly, it’s the same advice I’ve given to my own kids. I know this. Now that I’m “mature” I shouldn’t need to be reminded of the obvious. But I do.

So I set aside my need to get an “A” on my psych paper, which somewhere along the way became a way to prove my worth to the entire academic community (who, I’m sure, are on pins and needles wanting to know just what I have to say). In fact, I chucked the whole topic and started over again. Successful Ageing: the Cognitive, Emotional and Social Effects is working out much better for me. And no, the irony of the topic does not escape me.

What works and what doesn’t…

The entire educational system is structured around extrinsic rewards; the carrot and the stick, so to speak. Jump through these hoops and you get such-and-such a number or letter to reflect your value. Do not perform according to some, often arbitrary, standard and you will be punished.

This kind of conditioning works fabulously for simple, mechanical tasks. Eat your supper, get dessert. Ignore your chores, no TV. But it doesn’t work so great for anything that requires creativity and complex thinking.

In fact, studies show that incentives, especially high value ones, have a very NEGATIVE effect on creative productivity. They are not the motivating factor we expect. Rather than performing better, people perform WORSE when a reward is on the line. The “carrot and stick” of extrinsic motivators inhibits innovation and discourages critical thinking.

People are inspired to greatness by intrinsic motivations: curiosity, imagination, creativity, and personal satisfaction, to name a few. We were designed to learn and grow. In a pressure-free, encouraging environment we do this so much better! This is the reason my ungraded assignments excite my best work, while the high pressure paper overwhelms me entirely.

Dan Pink gives a brilliant talk called The Surprising Science of Motivation which makes this point better than I ever could! He is mostly interested in its application in the business world; companies who make amazing strides by loosening control. Instead of bigger incentives, they are giving autonomy and a sense of purpose to their employees, with remarkable results.

What would happen if we did the same thing in education? Students who learn because they are interested in the discussion and excited to play a part, not merely regurgitating what the teacher wants to hear. Nurturing thinkers and artists and builders, not a pecking order based on a narrow set of skills.

I’ve had a few teachers who truly believed this over the years. They seem revolutionary, more interested in what I had to contribute, than in measuring me (or themselves). There’s a reason they make so many cheesy “teacher-inspiring-a-tough-inner-city-class-to-greatness” movies. Because teachers like that really do exist and they make all the difference.

So here’s me, 60% certain that the grade on my paper does not define me.

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in creativity, personality, school

March 2, 2012

Friday Favourites 12: On Vacation

By So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

Today is that last day I will be posting for a couple weeks. No, I haven’t given up on my slightly weird and time-consuming hobby. But, I will be terribly, terribly busy. Doing nothing. On the beach. In Hawaii. With my kids.

Except for the last part, it sounds pretty relaxing. Whether it is or not, it will be a fun spring break! So, here’s a few random favourites to tide you over…

Quote

A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it. Marcelene Cox

Poem in honour of the teachers

The teachers in our school district went on strike this week. I am no longer a home-school mom so this is decidedly INCONVENIENT.

I must admit that I haven’t given a lot of time or effort towards understanding the issues and figuring out where I stand. My redneck Alberta upbringing whispers that unions are just another kind of bully and I recall our own frustrations with policies which favour seniority over merit. BUT I have felt the cuts in government funding, especially for my special needs daughter. AND I think teachers do an incredibly difficult and important job and are worth their weight in gold (except for the really skinny ones who are worth more).

So my official position on on the teacher’s strike may be expressed in one of my most common mom lectures: “I want you two to work it out. Sit down right now and use your words. I don’t need to hear about it, just find a way to make it right.”

Amen!

Vacation Inspired App

Since we are heading out on vacation, my app of the week is in honour of our favourite vacation destination. The sad part is, this was true long before we had kids…

We’re pretty cliche when it comes to amusement parks, especially Disneyland. We love it – hook, line and overpriced, Mickey-shaped sinker! My parents gave Glen the nickname “Disney Nazi” on one trip to LA., because he is not willing to waste a single “magical” moment.

We’ve been a number of times (don’t hate us because we have family who live in LA), but have no plans to go again right now. With so many great memories of Disney, there is a lot of sadness and whining that we won’t be visiting it anytime soon. The kids are a bit disappointed too.

This is why the newest Disney app is perfect for us. They call Disneyland Explorer: the Happiest App on earth. The price makes me happy (free!) and there are all kinds of fun little games and videos as you poke around virtual Disneyland. It’s the kind of holiday that really works in this economy (I say as I gleefully pack for Hawaii).

B likes to wind up “It’s a Small World” then watch the international dolls dance across the screen. Sidebar: the song is every bit as annoying looping over and over and over again in the comfort of my own home as it is in the Magical Kingdom (and that includes the time the ride broke down and we were stuck by the mermaids for an extra 1/2 hour). C’s favourite is Mickey’s house in toon town. When you click on a photo on the wall, it plays one of the original Mickey toons. I’ve even seen Glen pushing the Thunder Mountain Express back and forth across the screen (we can’t figure out what it’s supposed to do – it’s kind of a bust).

If you’ve been to Disneyland and love it, or if you plan to go sometime, or if you think it’s overrated and lame, but are a sucker for free things, it’s definitely worth the $0!

Song that just begs to be spoofed

A few months ago friends told us how their son got in trouble at school for singing this song in class. They went through the 5 stages of parental reaction: shocked, horrified, relieved (that he hadn’t learned it at home), amused and committing the story to memory (to be told to family, friends, facebook aquaintances and at his wedding reception someday). Because it’s not everyday your first grader is sexy and he knows it.

Despite it’s not-remotely-appropriate-for-6-year-olds content, I get why it is being bandied around the schoolyard. It’s catchy. And vile. And totally absurd. And uses the “s” word (hee hee). Not since Right Said Fred informed us that he was Too Sexy For This Blog has there been a song so deeply, deeply stupid, that I nevertheless find myself humming from time to time.

The only version of “I’m Sexy and I Know It” that I don’t like is the real one, but the spinoffs make me laugh, so I decided to include a few. The best is definitely Bruce Springsteen and Neil Young doing an acoustic version (okay, fine, it’s Jimmy Fallon dressed as Neil Young, but still all kinds of awesome).

Sexy and I Know It Unplugged

Here is one that my kids LOVE. Apparently they saw it at school. Really? I’m trying to figure out what kind of lesson that fit into… social media A-B-C’s?

Elmo and I know it

The line up would be incomplete without a cheesy Christian version. As much as it pains me to admit it, these pastors are rocking it. I’ll take “Tithing and I Know It” over “Shine, Jesus, Shine” anyday.

Tithing and I know it

So here’s me, OUTTA HERE! Aloha!

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March 2, 2012

Friday Favourites 11: The Absurd

By So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

Today is a very important day in our home. It is Dr. Suess’ birthday. He’s more than just an author. He is B’s obsession. She insists her pediatrician, dentist and pretty much anyone in the medical field are, in fact, Dr. Suess. For the past few months, 9/10 books we read are Suess books. We had to replace her Green Eggs & Ham book when it simply gave out and died after SO many readings.

I get it. I love Dr. Suess too. Because his stories are silly and weird and occasionally profound. Because his words flow smooth and clean and feel good on my tongue. Because the world just seems better in rhyme. I wish we could do it all the time.

In honour of Dr. Suess, this week’s favourites are all about the absurd.

Dr. Suess Quotes

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.”
“Today you are you, that is truer than true. There’s no one alive who is youer than you.”
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

Baby Rearing Technique

Baby bowling! It could be the next big thing! And the baby being used as a ball (who is LOVING this crazy game) is my nephew!

Isn’t he adorable? He really takes after his auntie.

Craigslist Ad

This ad: Yoga mat for sale. Used once. – $1 was actually posted on craigslist at one point. It’s not an ad, so much as the usage timeline and the best description of hot yoga I have ever heard! Funniest thing I’ve read in a long time!

T.V. Show

This category isn’t really fair. Without a doubt, the most absurd show on television is “The Bachelor” and its equally insipid knock-offs. Of course, I’ve never actually watched an entire episode, and I have no plans to anytime soon. Quite simply, it is everything that is wrong with society, conveniently package in a slick reality show.

If you enjoy watching it, I don’t judge. I imagine it is a lot like a gory car accident; we can’t help but crane our necks. Like the “hats” at the royal wedding, it BEGS to be mocked! And that’s what makes it one of my favourite absurd things.

Jamie the Very Worst Missionary, wrote an amazing post about it recently. The Final Freaking Rose says everything I want to say, only better. She usually does.

Knox McCoy is a blogger I thoroughly enjoy on many topics. He is most famously known for his Bachelor (and Bachelorette) recaps. They are hilarious! I read them even when I had no intention of ever watching the show. Sadly, they awoke a rather mean-spirited humor in me, so I had to give them up. But if you MUST watch this show – keep your wits about you and read the recap!

iPad/iPhone App

For some reason, Toca Boca Hair Salon is the favourite app in our house right now. All three girls LOVE giving Santa a rainbow-streaked mohawk. Who doesn’t?

You can style, shave and colour his hair and beard with the touch of a finger. Although we could spend $1.99 to make over many different characters, my kids are perfectly content with the free Christmas version.

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February 29, 2012

10 Ways to Celebrate Leap Day

By So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

Sometimes it’s more of a curse than a blessing to have a child with a long memory. My, now 11 year old daughter clearly remembers celebrating Leap Day last time, when she was 7. Those were my homeschooling days when I spent a lot more time coming up with fun and “educational” things to do everyday.

Today, I have a sick child at home, 2 papers due for school (now that I’M the student) and a backlog of household chores that make me want to cry. But I’ve decided that they will still be there tomorrow.

February 29th only comes around once every 4 years. It hardly ever happens. I’m always complaining that I need more time, and here I have a whole extra day! Of course, it usually gets eaten up with the ordinary hustle and bustle. Just one more day in the rat race. What a shame! What a waste!

Why not take advantage of this bonus day to do something special?

Or, if you can’t think of something special, here are 10 silly ideas the girls and I came up with to celebrate Leap Day:

1. Play Leap Frog. The girls remember doing this last Leap Year with our friend Shannon, who was quite pregnant at the time. They were impressed!

2. Sing and Dance to “Jumping Songs”. If you have children, you can let them join in too!

    • 5 Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed
    • If You’re Happy and You Know it Leap Around
    • Jump Your Jigglies Out
    • Jump for my Love – Pointer Sisters
    • Jump Jump – Kriss Kross (remember them!)

3. Declare this to be EXTRA day – and give everyone extra. But only the good things: extra hugs, extra game, extra ice cream, extra Wii time…

4. Hide frog gummies all over the house. These are always fun, because you find candy in weird places for months to come.

5. Buy a box of EXTRA gum and hand it out to everyone you know.

6. Serve food that LEAPS: Kangaroo Steak, Bunny Tail and Jumping Beans for dinner. I suggest steak, mashed potatoes and green beans, but you can be as realistic as you like.

7. Watch Annie and try to work “Leaping Lizards” into every conversation.

8. Make a frog cake, then sing “Happy Leap Day to you!” Or you could be like me and buy an ice cream cake instead!

9. Write letters to yourself for next Leap Day, then put them in a time capsule to be opened in 2016. Futureme.org allows you  to e-mail letters and photos to yourself, and will send it to you at some future date. You can even include pictures. This is so much easier than trying to keep track of it myself!

You can even get an app for your iPhone or iPad – only $0.99!

10. Watch Larry’s Leap Year Lesson. I must admit that I floundered when they asked me why we have leap year, something to do with the earth’s rotation and how we calculate the calendar… Larry the Cucumber cleared it right up for me.

 I’m always looking for more ways to build memories and embarass my children. How do you celebrate Leap Year?

So here’s me, celebrating my made up holiday, because that’s how I want to use my extra time. I wonder what my kids will remember 4 years from now.

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in home-making, parenting

February 28, 2012

Negotiations: child labour and other parenting dilemmas

By So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

I’ve having my vehicles detailed while I sit here in the sun and write. The exterior hand-wash is not our usual M.O., but the price was right.

We’re more of a wait-until-you-can’t-tell-what-colour-your-car-is-under-all-that-dirt kind of family, at which point we pick the very cheapest alternative at the drive-through car wash. It’s quick, easy AND you can make out in the dim light of the tunnel. Nothing sets the mood quite like the rhythmic thumps of the brushes on the roof – or maybe I’m just a cheap date.

Despite the lack of romance, this cleaning crew is enthusiastic and eager for the work. I’m not sure they’re the most experienced washers in town. The short one may actually be making it worse, spreading a mud and soap concoction all over the car doors. Was she just picking her nose? I’m beginning to question my hiring standards. Plus, she may also need a diaper change.

All this for the low, low price of $3 per vehicle. Both the big girls and their friend P were happy for the work. B was happy to accept payments in the forms of kisses and snuggles, especially since she was more hindrance than help.

The Quest for Cash

Making money is a the new obsession in our house. No, we did not begin capitalist indoctrination of our children early, though Glen did graduate from business school, so he has the skill set in place. We did however, agree to the purchase of iPod Touches, with the condition that they must pay for it themselves.

The truth is, we’ve been looking for a project like this. It is good to have to wait, to save and to work towards a long-term goal. It will mean that much more when they finally hold it in their hot little hands.

Everything comes so easy these days. Not just for them, but for us too. We have everything we need and most of what we want. Compared to the rest of the world, and certainly more so than any time in history, we live like royalty and rarely appreciate it.

I know that their friends, and even their friends parents, feel sorry for them. We’ve heard through the grapevine that we are expecting too much. After all, iPod Touch is not a cheap purchase.

Let the negotiations begin

An unexpected side effect of this project is L’s blossoming sales ability. Only 11 years old and I’m pretty sure she could take the Home Shopping network by storm. She is pretty convincing in presenting her new ideas. This one she floated earlier this week in infomercial format: she will work constantly on our behalf for 2 whole weeks, with no money down, only the promise of an iPod Touch!

Observe the colourful visual aid! We didn’t even realize this wide variety of needs were unmet in our life until this point. As if that is not enough, she will throw in a number of bonus chores, above and beyond those listed in the original list, FOR FREE! What a deal!

Other deals we have also declined: selling all earthly possessions on e-bay (only because I can’t stand the hassle of it all – I have no problem with a vow of poverty for the sake of superior technology), advances on christmas/birthday money right up until her adult years, offers to eat less and move out of the house earlier… you’ve got to give her props for creativity.

Nonnegotiable

For the record, we are not in the habit of PAYING our children to work. There are certain responsibilities that are just part of family life. We are a team and everyone has to pitch in. Even Becca sets napkins on the table each night.

Long before this iPod debacle my children have been the recipients of pity and concern regarding their enslavement, or so they would have us believe. Each day they must make their bed (at least that is the rumor, it rarely happens without nagging…ahem… gentle reminders), also they load/unload the dishwasher and make their school lunches. Weekly chores include: sorting laundry, helping with folding, putting laundry away, cleaning the bathroom (C upstairs; L downstairs), cleaning bedrooms and playroom, plus the occasional babysitting/help with B.

Despite the deep pity and horror of our children’s “more fortunate” friends, we are not monsters! Not only do the girls get christmas and birthday money from several OVERLY generous relatives, they also get a weekly allowance. We’ve recently decided to upgrade this to $6 per week ($1 must be used for giving/charity). Fines are levied for poor execution of chores, finding clothing on the ground ($1 per instance, so they are pretty good at keeping it on their body, in the drawer or in the laundry hamper) and whatever heinous crime seems to require financial recompense.

The Deal

Yet, we have heard the pleas of our eldest child and we have relented. There will be payment for SOME extra chores at $1 each. Vacuuming, folding laundry, babysitting, and a few other tasks I am eager to unload. Since writing this, our neighbours have joined the cause also. They paid the girls a generous amount to do various chores at their house and are considering a car wash session (thanks Sandra and John!). As long as they are working for their pennies, I am content.

Meanwhile, L has set her sights on a refurbished iPod Touch for only $130, plus shipping. It makes my thrifty little heart swell with pride!

So here’s me, fully prepared to pay $0.01 per grape they peel and feed to me by hand. I’ve always wanted a maid-servant!

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in parenting

February 23, 2012

Let’s Talk about Sex

By So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

Yes, it’s another post for married grown ups.

Since the last one, a few people have admitted that they were MUCH more likely to click on an article about sex than anything else. Let’s be honest, there are more than a few of you. You know who you are.

Is Sex a Big Deal?

Yes, it sure is.

That’s what she said!

Phew! I’m so glad that I got that out of the way. Now I can discuss the issue like the mature, serious adult that I pretend to be.

As many of you know, Glen and I worked for many years in the “marriage enrichment industry” helping put together conferences, websites, study materials and even a tv show at one point. With 3 little kids at home, my contribution mostly consisted of the occasional opinion and a willing subject for Glen to try out whatever advanced marital skill his latest article was about. Definitely a job with perks! The old joke was, he must be a marriage expert at this point, because, “after all, he wrote the book.”

I remember one session for wives that I attended. I was distracted by the details, making sure there was enough water, ensuring the power point was visible to everyone, dealing with that bothersome hangnail… but I perked up when it came to the sex talk. Ya, I know, I’m kind of like you people who clicked on this just because you saw the word “sex”. You understand.

Perhaps I missed some crucial prelude to this portion of the talk. Perhaps I misunderstood. I kind of hope so, because it was just so discouraging for me to hear.

The speaker (who is a lovely, amazing woman I admire) offered everyone a multiple choice question:

Your spouse has made some indication that he is interested in sex.

(At this stage in our life this often consists of: “so, you ready to head to bed?”, eyebrow waggle, aaaaaand leans in for a kiss. Try not to be jealous; for parents whose kids stay up almost as late as we do, these are some wicked moves.)

Anyway, the stage is set. Now, as a wife, you do which of the following:

a. pretend not to notice (you are tired and want to be left alone).

b. complain that you have a headache (or cramps, or toxic internal multi-system fatigue syndrome).

c. grudgingly give in (might as well get it over with).

d. put your husband’s needs before your own and cheerfully give him the gift of yourself.

That was it. Those were the choices.

Do you see the problem here?

I hope I’m not the only one. The best option (apparently) was d. And I didn’t get the impression she meant “give yourself” in a sense that included chocolate sauce or wearing only a ribbon to bed; more of a grin-and-bear-it dynamic.

What about:

e. enjoy some special grown-up time for all you’re worth.

Because I have needs too!

Is that weird? Am I some kind of freak because I enjoy sex? I sure felt like it at the time.

This caricature of the horny, insensitive husband and the prudish, longsuffering wife is really big in religious circles. It’s pretty common in sitcoms and stand-up comedy too. And I’m sick of it.

Must we accept this stereotype that men want sex anytime, anywhere and with any old person and nice women just really aren’t that into it?

Of course there will be times I put my husband’s needs first. As I expect him to do for me, in the bedroom (but that’s a whole different kind of post). Yet, even the occaional quickie does not seem like a one-sided thing to me. And I would hate to see the day that sex becomes a chore to either of us (whether it is cheerfully delivered or not).

Here’s something that may blow your mind: sometimes it is the woman who wants sex when the husband doesn’t – a problem made significantly worse by this stupid stereotype.

I understand that there are a whole range of problems which can affect this dynamic: sexual abuse, hormone levels, past trauma, porn addiction, unhealthy baggage, compatibility issues, etc. I am not naive. Sex can be a place of great conflict and frustration in marriage.

But it isn’t hopeless. We live in a day and age with a great amount of information and help for those who are willing to look. I firmly believe that a sex life characterized by MUTUAL PLEASURE is worth the effort, even if it doesn’t emerge overnight. This is the ideal we should expect: physical intimacy that is about giving, but also enjoying.

God designed us to enjoy each other, and not just in a platonic way. Sex is what sets marriage apart from every other friendship, and it should be amazing! Study after study shows that married people have more sex and are more sexually satisfied.

So here’s me, picking option “e”, every time!

6 Comments   |  tags: , , | posted in marriage

February 21, 2012

Make the Day Special

By So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

I used to LOVE Professional Development Days. No holiday parades, no special traditions, nothing to celebrate… just a regular, old Monday to the rest of the world, but a special treat for me. Perhaps it is a sadistic streak, but somehow it seemed MORE fun to have a day off of school when all the adults still had to work.

*Maniacal laugh. *Maniacal laugh.

Now the tables are turned.

Until today, I have had a flexible schedule and we usually manage to find something fun and special to do on Pro-D days. But now, I have a class I cannot miss, a husband who works in the city and very little patience for this crimp in my routine. We juggled and rearranged and made it work somehow, but I wasn’t exactly feeling the “special day” vibe.

The Everyday

This morning I rushed home from class, wrestled B onto the potty, obsessed about my upcoming Psych paper, debated the merits of wearing pants, lectured on completing homework BEFORE the very last minute, finally got everyone INTO pants, and pulled together lunch for three picky eaters (okay, fine, four picky eaters, but I’m the cook so it’s my right).

Suffice it to say, I felt naps all around would be a fun and special way to enjoy the day.

But they wanted an adventure. They wanted to DO something. They wanted to spend time with me. They were even willing to get out of the house and get some fresh air to do it.

If you have indoor kids like mine, who generally prefer reading, puzzles, crafts, talking on the phone, drawing… basically anything that doesn’t require them to get dirty or break a sweat, you know that you have to capitalize on these moments. It’s rare that I don’t have to force it. I like to set the timer: 1/2 – 1 hour and they are not to come back in until it is over. Sometimes they get into the spirit of things and forget to sneak back in, but all too often the time is spent staring mournfully through the sliding glass door and counting down the seconds. Huck Finn, eat your heart out!

Some of you may think I’m making this up. I’m not. While you are bribing and pleading and cajoling your children to read or sit still for just a few minutes, I’m doing the opposite. We all have our crosses to bear.

Fortunately, I understand this quiet/bookworm/homebody thing. After all, they probably get it from me.

But, I’m a grown up now. I know that it is good for everyone to get some exercise. I know we must enjoy every precious non-rainy moment the Pacific Northwest has to offer. I know we’ll feel better and they will fight less. So, I set aside my brilliant “napping” plan.

The Adventure

Today’s adventure consisted of a trip to a local playground and some geocaching in our neighbourhood (geocaching is like an online treasure hunt with GPS co-ordinates to follow). As we set out there were high spirits, joking and singing. And then there was me, dragging my feet and cursing the composer of the Duck song. “Heeeey! Bum, bum, bum.. Got any grapes?” If I never hear it again, it will be too soon.

With the offspring happily playing at the park, I did what any modern mother would do. I whipped out my iPhone and started checking up on the world. I could hear them laughing in the background as I clicked links on Facebook. An amazing article on a blog called Enjoying the Small Things.

It was uplifting. It said, “pay attention to what matters most.” It was inspiring. It reminded me to… Dance. Laugh. Enjoy each moment.

That’s when it hit me – I suck.

At life. Today, I suck at life.

Here I am, in a rare moment of sunshine, in the middle of the day, with my happy children who are actually enjoying each other. Instead of appreciating it, I am counting down the minutes until I can get back home to “get stuff done.” Instead of jumping in, I am huddled off to the side fiddling around with my iPhone, reading about other people’s lives.

I felt myself blush as I clicked off my phone, looking around to see if anyone caught my moment of personal douchebaggery.

If so, I hope they stuck around to see this middle-aged lady catch some serious air on the swings. Also, riding the see-saw for the first time in several decades. My almost 12-year-old can actually hold her own against me, though I’m pretty sure I bruised my butt. Just like the mature, dignified woman my parents raised me to be.

We hiked for blocks and blocks to find a new cache at the Royal Legion, which gave birth to a great discussion about veterans, memorials and death. We found a coin from the Rotary Club and talked about serving others.

We picked up sticks.

We crunched through leaves

We sang the Muppets theme song.

We made the day special.

I spend a lot of time feeling like I am the one serving my children; that motherhood is another duty on a long list of things to do. Today they reminded me that life is for living. While the rest of the schmucks slogged their way through ordinary, for those few hours I really lived.

I don’t think I need to wait for another Pro-D day to do it either.

So here’s me, do-do do-do-do, do do-do do… Mahna Mahna!

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in parenting

February 17, 2012

Friday Favourites 9: Couples Edition

By So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

This post is for grown ups, the married kind…

Last Christmas I was having trouble figuring out gifts for my husband. Like me, Glen is a book lover AND a big fan of sex, so when I found an ornate copy of the Kama Sutra in a dusty old bookstore I scooped it up. It brought us hours of fun, but not in the way you’re thinking.

We giggled our way through some very weird and often disturbing ancient sex advice. For instance, men are advised to keep a rag by the bed so that they can mop the sweat from their pits during love making. A sensitive lover also must do their best not to spit on the floor during the act, but instead should provide their own spittoon.

Now you know.

As a follow up to the big V-day, here are a few of my favourite “couple-y” things.

Quote

To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals. ~Don Schrader

Runner Up: Sex on television can’t hurt you, unless you fall off. -Author Unknown

iPhone/iPad App

Although the book was a bust, the app worked out a lot better. The iKamaSutra is $0.99 of inspiring ideas, even those that inspire the question “what the…?” and “why?” It is password protected, so you don’t have to worry about the kids trying to play your new “game”. The illustrations and explanations are tasteful – instructive and not at all like creepy porn.

Website

I often feel caught between one culture that sees sex as a cheap thrill and another culture that sees it as a dirty, forbidden subject. It’s neither. ErynFaye.com is a great place to poke around for thoughtful advice and ideas.

Book

Once upon a time, we worked for FamilyLife developing marriage conferences and study materials. So we have read A LOT of marriage books, from the lame to the utterly bizarre (such as the one which suggests sitting naked, hands together and saying “the god in me salutes the god in you”). Of all of these, Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas remains a favourite.

It is not another exhaustive list of things “to do”, but an exploration of all the things marriage can and should teach us. Although it grapples with some profound and difficult subjects, it is surprisingly easy to read.

Movie

Okay, I’ll admit, as I was picking a movie off of Shaw VOD last night my finger hovered over Twilight: Breaking Dawn (which, yes, I’ve already seen), but I am so glad that I kept scrolling down and decided to try In Time. I was skeptical – that boy band kid and the chick from Veronica Mars… but dystopian sci-fi with romance to boot, sounds like my kind of thing. Turns out, it was.

Bonnie and Clyde with a Robin Hood flair in a world where time (as in, time to remain alive) is a currency. It puts that whole being the 1% thing in chilling perspective. Also, it kind of makes me want to rob a bank on our next date night.

Marriage Advice

Date night. Do it.

Marriage isn’t always easy, but you can get through almost anything if you’re still friends.

So here’s me, cuddling up on the couch with my friend to watch Modern Family re-runs. Yes, at this stage in life that totally counts as a date. PJs optional.

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , | posted in favourites, marriage