Last night I snuggled close to Glen, looked him deeply in the eyes and broke the news.
“Today, I bought myself a little boy toy.”
It’s a testament to the seriousness of the situation that he didn’t snicker or even make a “that’s what she said” joke.
I bought a little stuffed dog. It barks when you push the tummy. It’s blue.
After years and years of pink, purple and whatever material has the most sparkle, I shopped in a new section of the store. I never intended to raise girly-girls, but they like what they like. So I steer clear of dinosaurs and cars and super heroes and anything blue. Until yesterday.
I justified that I could give it away if it doesn’t work out. I hastily explained that it could just as easily be for one of our nephews.
But I was lying.
To myself.
Because I bought it for him. It’s his. I wanted to have a connection to him.
Glen was right to ask the questions he did.
“Is is too late? Have you given your heart away already?”
So here’s me, buying blue, because hearts can’t be protected. Not mine anyway.
When you’ve lost more than one child, you learn this. Even if this adoption doesn’t work out, I will need something to hold onto, something to mourn. So I bought myself a little boy toy.
So Here's Us... 
April 23rd, 2012 at 7:40 am
We are praying Christie! Giving your heart away is what makes you beautiful and why we love you so much! Thank you for sharing from the heart.
April 23rd, 2012 at 5:06 pm
Thank you! We appreciate it. It’s looking good…
April 23rd, 2012 at 9:15 am
He is so blessed to have you love him, whether close-up or far away. I’m glad you chose to love him instead of fearing a broken heart. (perfect love casts out fear, đŸ™‚ )
April 23rd, 2012 at 5:07 pm
I think you’ve given me a new verse to hang onto. Thanks!
April 23rd, 2012 at 2:38 pm
Praying you get to hold this boy in your arms until he is so big he can hold you in his.
April 23rd, 2012 at 5:07 pm
Beautifully said. I hope we will!
April 23rd, 2012 at 9:08 pm
You have done what I could never do and good for you! Give your heart away, life is too short not to. I am praying for your boy. And for you:)
April 24th, 2012 at 6:58 am
My boy. I like that. Even if I end up being that lady that was once hoping to adopt him… Thanks!