I’m tired of it. The saintly, June Cleaver-ish, I-simply-exist-to-service-my-children-and-husband ideal that I keep running into. There’s a religious version. And an organic-hippie version. And a sleek, modern-day tiger-mom version. And yes, even a special needs, therapy-is-our-life version. Their parenting may look very different from each other, but they are all entirely consumed by it. And it’s not just the women. They’re martyr parents.
In this day and age, parenting is the last bastion of acceptable nobility. We no longer expect to lay down our freedom, our identity, our dreams… our lives on the altar of marriage, or country, or vocation. But when Jr. Me arrives on the scene, we’re prepared to gift wrap all of the above. And pat ourselves on the back for doing it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of selflessness. It’s something our culture could use more of. It’s something I could use more of. But good parenting is about a lot more than sacrifice.
To clarify, I’m talking to good parents here. Not the pseudo-adolescents who barely show up, much less engage their offspring. Nor the workaholic yuppie with a trophy child they stash away until family photo day rolls around.
The rest of us. Most of us. Regular folks who desperately love our kids and feel desperately overwhelmed and underqualified a lot of the time.
To compensate, we read more. We do more. We sleep less. We are the hardest-trying generation of parents who have ever lived.
And sometimes we forget that good parenting isn’t about giving more, it’s about being wise.
Life is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s a long haul. And we need to conserve our energy and recharge our batteries from time to time. That’s not selfish; that’s smart.
The Center-of-the-Universe is subpar housing. No one should live there. Certainly not an impressionable child. The most miserable adults began as children who believed they deserved what THEY wanted, when THEY wanted it, no matter the cost to others. It is good for children to wait, to pitch in, and to sacrifice for others, especially their parents. It builds this old fashioned thing called respect.
Kids grow up. Ouch. I know. And it happens so fast. Which makes you want to soak it in as much as you can (unless they’re really whiney; then you send them to visit the Grandparents). But someday when they need you a little less, or when they are grown and gone, your life will go on. If you have no life anymore, you are in for a shock. You are more than just a parent.
Life is happening now. Life can’t be put “on hold” until your busy child-rearing years are over. Although we are technically “adults,” we are still growing and learning and becoming. If we neglect ourselves we will be stunted phsyically, emotionally, relationally and spiritually. One of the worst mistakes a parent can make is to sacrifice the health of their marriage to the immediate needs of the shortest family members. In the end, everyone suffers for that.
Whatever stage in life you are at, whatever unique circumstances you find yourself in… find something that is your own. In those first few crazy weeks/months, that might be nothing more than a quick, hot shower. Take it. Own it. It’s good for you. And that’s good for them. A good parent has their own life.
The week our baby girl was diagnosed with Down syndrome, we met with the hospital social worker. She handed us stacks of brochures and articles and tax benefit forms. But the best thing she gave us (apart from heartfelt congratulations) was this advice:
“Don’t change your whole life for her; let her fit into yours.”
Down syndrome will always be a part of her life, but we don’t build her life around it. Down syndrome will always be a part of our lives, but we don’t build our family around it.
Nor do we build it around our son’s adoption or his special needs. Or our eldest daughter’s consuming passion for dance. Or our 10-year-old’s absolutely-essential, must-have-or-she’ll-never-be-happy-again, latest trend/toy/hobby/obsession. In our family, everyone gets to have a life.
A good parent gives selflessly and sacrifices and often puts their kids first, but NOT always. A good parent has hobbies and friendships and goals and needs. A good parent goes on dates and takes long hot baths and reads books and takes holidays. A good parent can say NO, and a good parent actually does.
So here’s me, and I’m my own person.
Along these same lines… I love this article: Stress Less Parenting: What Everyone Can Learn from Lazy French Mothers What do you think?
February 27th, 2013 at 9:33 am
It’s like you read my mind! I have people like that in my life, they give 100% to their kids and won’t allow themselves anything. How sad that in 15-20 they will find themselves completely without a life. I’ve seen it happen, very talented amazing women no longer have the kids at home and they are left with nothing and even strangers with their husbands. I have a life and I love it! My kids have not suffered for it either although they may not appreciate that the world doesn’t resolve around them!
February 27th, 2013 at 5:17 pm
I’ve no doubt our kids would prefer to be the centre of our universe too. Especially B. You came to mind as I wrote this: a dedicated wife and mom, but time for your own passions and building your Scrapbooking Empire too 😉
February 27th, 2013 at 10:22 am
I 100% agree with absolutely everything you mentioned here. Great post full of wisdom and truth.
February 27th, 2013 at 5:21 pm
Thanks! I think it’s easy for special needs parents to fall into this trap or feel guilty. Self care, balance… it’s even more important!
February 28th, 2013 at 8:35 am
Although I am not a parent, I absolutely agree with everything you say here. Great, great way to put it concisely and logically.
February 28th, 2013 at 2:34 pm
Thanks! This is one of those areas where parents can be myopic – often an objective non-parent can see more clearly.
March 2nd, 2013 at 9:30 pm
YASS! I love this post! Both my parents need to read this asap! My 7 year old brother is autistic and both my parents are in the health field–so as you can imagine they’re tired and busy most of the time. I really wish they would just take a few days and relax somewhere and let me watch my brother. Parents really do need time to recharge. This was a great read : )
March 3rd, 2013 at 2:16 pm
I think we parents constantly need to be reminded of this, because every other voice is telling us to do more, more, more… especially with special needs in the mix. How great that they have such a helpful and eager babysitter – I wish we could all be so blessed! Good for you!