Day 10: Letting It Go

I made a commitment to blog 31 days in a row. I’ve never been one to take this kind of thing lightly. I am a completer, a finisher of tasks.

Yesterday began all too early and filled up before I could blink. Somewhere along the line I realized that I hadn’t had time to think about writing, much less do it. I might miss a day.

My stomach began to twist, that toxic flavour of obligation and failure on my tongue (not only am I super-responsible, but absurdly melodramatic). Somewhere deep inside a voice piped in “Stop it! Don’t be stupid. This isn’t a real problem. Hobbies are meant to be fun, to make life better not worse.”

So I stopped. I didn’t waste another second feeling bad about my imperfect 31 Day track record. I’m writing this today, because I want to. And I may post it… if I feel like it.

How novel. To do what I want to do with my free time. To do what I want to do without apology.

That book I started reading that just isn’t capturing my attention, the one that everyone raves about and I really ‘should’ read… I’m letting that go. But I’m still counting it on Good Reads (cause I’m a rebel like that).

Not gonna beat myself up about unanswered emails and friends I don’t have time to catch up with either. Turns out, I can’t be all things to all people after all. And this friendly introvert is pretty used up most days.

Hopefully most of you are finding this pep talk kind of ridiculous. Wondering who would obsess about such silly little things. That means you live in the kind of freedom that has eluded me most of my life.

I have a hair trigger guilt reflex. All too often, I’m tangled up in invisible cords of should. Bound up. Weighed down. Constantly tripping over the harsh expectations I have of myself. Until even my hobbies feel like jobs.

It’s bullshit.

That’s the only word that fits. Nothing polite, nothing trite or gentle will do. I won’t coddle this bad habit anymore. There are enough real problems in the world, I don’t have time for false guilt and perfectionism.

I don’t even believe it anymore. I used to think I was more responsible, more spiritual, more likely to succeed this way. But it’s just pride wrapped in self-loathing, having nothing at all to do with God. Also, really exhausting, because life was never meant to be one long grueling self-improvement project.

Life is for living.

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

– Jesus (Matthew 11:28-30)