Tag Archives: humor

Health Tips from a Failure

The internet is full of experts. Real experts with credentials and half the alphabet in their titles. Self-proclaimed experts with more confidence and bluster than knowledge. Wily capitalists posing as experts to cash in on our every fear and imagined flaw.

I am none of these things. In fact, some days I’m the farthest thing from an expert a human being can be, and still walk upright. Sadly, the older the I get, the more apparent this becomes to me. I’m doing my best. Usually, that’s good enough, thank God (literally… insert comment about grace and prayer and all the people who pitch in along the way).

When the Daily Press Writing Challenge came out this week I immediately deleted the link. Write a blog post on “Health and Wellness.” Ya, right.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got some things figured out. My house is pseudo-tidy, which is impressive to anyone who’s spent more than 20 minutes with our clan. My family’s routine is the right balance between flexible and predictable. My spiritual life is meaningful. My marriage is strong. My children are wonderful.

But I wouldn’t consider myself especially healthy in a physical sense.

I am overweight, overtired and overwhelmed.

I don’t think I’m unusual in this, although I do have a special mix of kidney problems, weak immune system and chronically injured/swollen/makes-creepy-noises-when-I-move joints. I may be developing arthritis. I’ve been tested for Lupus 3 times and they won’t rule it out entirely. Two of my four children have special needs and are A LOT of work. I have very little time to myself. Or money. Also, I love food. It is my drug of choice. Also, I’m not wild about exercise, never have been, probably never will be. I can rail about how unfair this all is and make excuses ’til the cows come home, but this is the way it is. This is the body I’ve been given and I need to take care of it. Probably more than most people.

I try. I really do. I’ve always tried. And I’ve often failed. Which brings me to this expert post. You see, I do have some degree of expertise in this area after all.

I’m the What NOT To Do Expert on Health and Wellness.

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I have thoroughly and exhaustively explored these habits in my own life. I can say with expert certainty, they only ever make things worse.

  • Over-schedule yourself – you SHOULD be able to do it all. Anything less is weakness.
  • Stay up as late as possible. Then stay up even later. Sleep is for the weak.
  • Compare yourself to others – if someone else can do it, you SHOULD be able to too.
  • Don’t cater to introverted needs, that’s just selfish.
  • Obsess endlessly about your weight and appearance.
  • Diet.
  • Measure your worth on the bathroom scale each morning and evening. Naked. With all but one toe hovering in the air.
  • React accordingly. If you’ve lost weight – time to relax; you’re clearly a rock star and might as well celebrate (by eating and being lazy). If you’ve gained – time to give up; you’re destined to fail and might as well binge out on an entire box of Oreos.
  • New Diet
  • Realize that the latest health food craze or exercise routine or New Diet is your true Savior. Sorry, Jesus. You just don’t burn that many carbs praying.
  • Put life on hold until you feel comfortable in a swimsuit/little-black-dress/jeans-that-fit-in-high-school. It’s not like your kids are growing up and you’re missing out on it all.
  • Immediately assess how many people are skinnier/better dressed/prettier than you when you walk in a room (hint – EVERYONE).
  • Make careful lists of all the ways you need to improve. Don’t bother with all that gratitude crap, you’re not Oprah. Guilt and self-loathing is the key.
  • Take drastic steps to overhaul your life. Slow and steady is for losers and YOU DON’T HAVE ANY TIME TO WASTE!!!! Panic!!!!
  • Fad Diet.
  • Avoid being in pictures at all costs. Someday when you look perfect and act perfect and all the stars align… on that day you can show up in your own life.
  • Everything you do is a test of personal worth. Every mistake is a failure. Every failure is absolute. It’s all or nothing, all the time. (For a really good time, apply this standard to everyone you meet. Make sure you point their failings out. People will really appreciate that.)

So here’s me, I wish I could say all these habits are behind me. They’re not. There’s a few I still fall back into from time to time. But I know them for what they are. And according to G.I. Joe, “knowing is half the battle.” I never argue with plastic soldier toys.

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Friday Favourites 34

I told my husband that I would DEFINITELY post something upbeat and life affirming this week. So far I’ve managed insecure/neurotic and angry/confrontational. It’s not looking good.

This afternoon as I rocked an extra-tired boy in my arms for Nap Attempt #3 (his first nap was interrupted by an impromptu field trip to pick up sick big sister from school and his second by the aforementioned sister coughing/crying/calling for Mommy)… anyway, there was rocking and wiggling and he decided that I just HAD to take a turn sucking on his soother (which smells strongly of spit but is nevertheless a very sweet gesture). He’s a giver.

We were having a moment there, when he started coughing so hard he puked. A half liter of curdled milk all over me, the chair and the once-upon-a-time-cream-coloured-carpet. As I scrubbed and laundered and bathed, I have to admit I wasn’t feeling all that upbeat or affirmed.

But then I realized how good I’ve got it. Hubby worked from home today so I wouldn’t miss my lunch date with my aunt. Sick boy is extra snuggly and I am well within my rights to keep him in footie jammies all day long. Sick girl is content to lay on the couch and reacquaint herself with the Wiggles (just in time for their big concert on Sunday, at which point she WILL be healthy, she WILL). The big girls have playdates, fun activities at church and sleepovers, quite happily leaving us home to enjoy early bedtimes and whatever the grownups want to watch on Netflix all evening long.

It really is a wonderful, messy, difficult, meaningful, smelly, exhausting, worth-it-all life!

How’s that for upbeat? Now here’s some random stuff that makes me smile.

Quote

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”

~ Jim Carrey

Marketing Gimmick

Make something pink, add the tag line “for her” et voila: a whole new product. If it’s pointless enough Ellen, will promote it on her show.

App

Earlier this week I was reading a book, blissfully unaware of the world around me when out of nowhere a car careened around a corner, hit a blockade, flipped over and over and over and landed RIGHT ON TOP OF ME!

The next day I was caught in a fiery explosion while talking on the phone. The girls found Action Movie FX and I can’t help but get caught in the crossfire. You can add all kind of disasters to whatever you happen to be filming with just a click of a button.

Apple Maps Parody

So here’s the thing: I love apple products. And like most people who do, I am strangely loyal/obsessed/fangirl about them. But apparently Google doesn’t feel the same way. In fact, Apple and Google broke up last year. And Apple was all like, “I don’t need you anyway, I’ll make my own maps, better maps… You’ll rue the day!!! Mwhahahaha…”

So, the latest iPhone and, thanks to automatic updates, ALL of our phones, now have Apple Maps. And it is Terrible. But, there’s always a bright side; this one is that now we can all make fun of it. I bet Google is feeling pretty smug right about now.

So here’s me: I smell like vomit, the snot on my face is not my own, but who’s to say this isn’t life affirming?


Friday Favourites 33

This week was a bit of a departure for my blog – a little more theology and existential questioning; a little less snot and poopy diapers. To restore balance, today’s post is 80% silly and 20% preachy. You’ll see.

Bank Drama

Preschoolers make the BEST screenwriters! “I’m gonna take ALL them ten dollars!”

Video Apology

An incredibly popular post circulated on Facebook recently: a funny rant from a man about the absurdities of feminine hygiene commercials. Apparently, Richard felt misled and woefully unprepared for reality when he finally snagged himself a girlfriend. He has a point. Nothing says “welcome to PMS” like an ecstatic supermodel in a white dress frolicking in a field of flowers.

The rant was funny, but even better is this hilarious “apology” to poor disillusioned Richard.

Debate Highlights

I am Canadian. But let’s face it, our politics are boring. And what happens in the US affects the rest of us (or at least our television shows). And I have a lot of family that lives there. And twitter has A LOT to say on the subject. So, we try to say informed and felt smugly intellectual watching the town hall debate the other night. Okay, Glen watched and I checked my email, and my wordpress stats, and read through some blogs, and contemplated painting the living room, and finally went to bed (it was LATE).

But I was there, and it was on. And this is pretty much how I remember it.

Lego Reenactment

Congratulations Felix Baumgartner on being immortalized in lego… oh, and that whole supersonic-freefall-from-space thing too. But the lego thing, that’s really cool.

Soap Box

And now for the preach.

I’ve got opinions. I try not to be too obnoxious about it… well, anymore (in my late teens and early twenties, I embraced my inner know-it-all with great enthusiasm).

Last year, around this time I read some articles by Kristen Howard and she ROCKED MY WORLD. After a great deal of research and soul searching (and crying like an angry, sad, chocolate-loving baby), I decided that I could no longer support child slavery by buying chocolate (The Post You DON’T Want To Read).

It’s a real thing, not just crazy overreaction by bleeding heart hippies. Something to keep in mind when you choose what to hand out at the door this Halloween. Stick with a non-chocolate alternative or, even better, use your power as a consumer for good and buy fair trade (chocolate that is NOT made from cocoa beans picked by children who have been bought/kidnapped/forced into labour).

So here’s me, and I am also 80% silly and 20% preachy. Just ask my kids.


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