Author Archives: So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

About So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

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I'm a bookworm, nature lover, kick-boxer, candy fiend, sci fi geek, home body, progressive Christian and part-time student. I love my crazy life and the messy, fun, stubborn, silly, brilliant people who populate it.
October 25, 2012

A Mom, a Preschooler and a Toddler Walk into a Restaurant…

By So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

Hmph. Stiff neck. Eye roll. Snort of disdain. Overly loud comment about “SOME people’s kids.”

I see you. I know you’re talking about me and mine. I’m not the negligent, lazy mom who simply tunes it all out. I’m busting my butt to keep things socially appropriate. At least some of you have the grace to look ashamed when you realize one of my daughters has Down syndrome. But that’s beside the point.

Not one of you sprang into existence as fully formed adults. I have no doubt that your beginnings involved just as much snot and noise and dirty diapers as any of my kids. You were no less human then. You had just as much right to exist in this world.

Airplanes, restaurants, waiting rooms, museums, stores… I’ve felt your irritated glares in all these places. And I used to feel badly, shush more loudly, work harder to contain and dance faster to avoid stepping on your toes. But I’m sick of it. This is life – my children and I deserve to be part of it too.

We’re here. We’re loud (though we’re learning to use our inside voices). And we’re not going anywhere. Deal with it.

Someday you are going to be grumpy without your nap. Someday you will speak overly loudly and inappropriately. Someday you will gum your food and spill half of it on the way to your mouth. Someday you won’t quite make it to the bathroom.

Your lack of patience and understanding just might bite you in the ass when that someday inevitably comes. Ageism isn’t so appealing when the shoe’s on the other foot.

Why should the same children you barely tolerate now put themselves out for you? Why not stash you where you don’t offend the eyes or the senses with your inconvenient humanity? After all, who wants to be bothered with messy and smelly and troublesome? Why not simply hire a caregiver to keep you out of sight and out of mind for the rest of your days?

Karma’s a bitch, people.

So here’s me, and in my circles we call this “reaping what you sow.” Just sayin’.

This is my contribution to the Daily Press writing challenge. Answering the question: How do you feel about children in adult-oriented places?

Assuming we’re not talking about bars, R-rated movies or adult-only resorts, my vote in the poll was: “Kids are people too. They should be welcome where adults are.” What do you think?

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in parenting, Uncategorized

October 23, 2012

Cutting the Adoption Strings

By So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

I left the boy in Sunday School for the first time this week.

He was fine. He gave me a kiss goodbye and was immediately distracted by cars and friends and buckets of toys to be dumped out. He played with trains and babbled happily to the teacher. He put stickers on a page and sat in the circle for story time.

I should have been happy. It was the first service I sat through in months. A rare chance for Glen and I to be WITHOUT the littles: holding hands, sitting with the grownups, listening without distraction, without drama or tantrums or grabby, sticky hands on my face.

But I cried at the door. I lingered behind all the other parents. I felt sick going down the stairs. And I choked on the songs we sang.

Doesn’t he need me? What if he does need me and I’m not there? Is it too soon? Am I compromising attachment? Have I been hovering too much? Will they really call at the first sign of sadness? What is wrong with me?

I don’t stress about my other kids this way. Not even B with her special needs and behavioural issues and one-on-one helper and pull-ups at age 8. I know them. I know what they can handle; what to expect from them and for them. I trust my instincts.

But the boy is new. I love him every bit as much as my other kids. But I don’t know him the way I know his sisters. The four months we’ve had together have made a huge difference. But I haven’t been raising him these past two years. And the instincts just aren’t there.

Or maybe they are there, but I question too much to hear what they have to say. I wonder about the traumas he’s been through, the adoption itself, his medical issues, his temperament and personality, and what his version of “normal” is supposed to be. When things go wrong, I panic. When things go well, I doubt.

The rule of thumb for adoption is: however long you were apart from your child, that is how long it will take to feel that seamless sense of belonging. That means almost two years of adjustment – for me! So much of our focus has been on making HIM feel safe and loved and truly at home with us. But it cuts both ways.

Those first weeks felt like a really long babysitting job. I had to keep reminding myself that I am the Mom. As wonderful and magical and God-ordained as adoption is, it is not a natural situation. My boy is not home-grown, and transplants take time.

We are adjusting and growing together every day: sleepy morning cuddles, dancing to Jukebox oldies in the living room, ‘helping’ me clean the floor… He fits. This IS where he belongs. And someday I won’t even remember life without him.

Until then, parenting isn’t quite the same. My emotions run high and my confidence is low and my big 2-year-old boy gets treated like a baby sometimes.

So here’s me, having a little trouble cutting the apron strings.

Linking up to The Parent Hood for the first time!

1 Comment   |  tags: , , , , | posted in adoption

October 19, 2012

Friday Favourites 33

By So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

This week was a bit of a departure for my blog – a little more theology and existential questioning; a little less snot and poopy diapers. To restore balance, today’s post is 80% silly and 20% preachy. You’ll see.

Bank Drama

Preschoolers make the BEST screenwriters! “I’m gonna take ALL them ten dollars!”

Video Apology

An incredibly popular post circulated on Facebook recently: a funny rant from a man about the absurdities of feminine hygiene commercials. Apparently, Richard felt misled and woefully unprepared for reality when he finally snagged himself a girlfriend. He has a point. Nothing says “welcome to PMS” like an ecstatic supermodel in a white dress frolicking in a field of flowers.

The rant was funny, but even better is this hilarious “apology” to poor disillusioned Richard.

Debate Highlights

I am Canadian. But let’s face it, our politics are boring. And what happens in the US affects the rest of us (or at least our television shows). And I have a lot of family that lives there. And twitter has A LOT to say on the subject. So, we try to say informed and felt smugly intellectual watching the town hall debate the other night. Okay, Glen watched and I checked my email, and my wordpress stats, and read through some blogs, and contemplated painting the living room, and finally went to bed (it was LATE).

But I was there, and it was on. And this is pretty much how I remember it.

Lego Reenactment

Congratulations Felix Baumgartner on being immortalized in lego… oh, and that whole supersonic-freefall-from-space thing too. But the lego thing, that’s really cool.

Soap Box

And now for the preach.

I’ve got opinions. I try not to be too obnoxious about it… well, anymore (in my late teens and early twenties, I embraced my inner know-it-all with great enthusiasm).

Last year, around this time I read some articles by Kristen Howard and she ROCKED MY WORLD. After a great deal of research and soul searching (and crying like an angry, sad, chocolate-loving baby), I decided that I could no longer support child slavery by buying chocolate (The Post You DON’T Want To Read).

It’s a real thing, not just crazy overreaction by bleeding heart hippies. Something to keep in mind when you choose what to hand out at the door this Halloween. Stick with a non-chocolate alternative or, even better, use your power as a consumer for good and buy fair trade (chocolate that is NOT made from cocoa beans picked by children who have been bought/kidnapped/forced into labour).

So here’s me, and I am also 80% silly and 20% preachy. Just ask my kids.

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October 17, 2012

The Answer

By So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

It is the best, and sometimes hardest, answer to give.

As a parent. As a person of faith. As a person of science. As a human being.

Sure, there are those who use it as a cop-out. Shrugging their shoulders as they go with the flow. They hand it out liberally: a get-out-of-responsibility-free card, an excuse to stay on the sidelines, a reason to stay in lock-step with the group. Might as well leave the thinking to someone else.

But for those who honestly struggle. Those who want to know. Those who are willing to change. Those who will be inconvenienced by truth.

For those who teach. Those who inspire and motivate. Those who take responsibility to lead.

For those…

It is brave. It is sincere. It is humbling.

Sometimes it is the place where certainty and faith intersect.

Sometimes it is where Mom becomes a mere mortal.

Sometimes it is the only right answer.

Because life is full of mystery. And the Universe is infinite. And God is bigger than our minds can comprehend. And we are only human after all.

There are times when the only answer we can give is:

I don’t know.

So here’s me, grappling with questions about afterlife and how to deal with after school tantrums and whether my 12-year-old is mature enough to read Hunger Games.

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Faith, spiritual

October 14, 2012

Hellbound?

By So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

There of some us out here for whom “Hell” is more than just a plot point in the latest episode of Supernatural. More than a video game catchphrase: “Burn in hell, suckers!” More than a slightly-less-sinful curse word.

Whether you were raised with it or jumped in later in life, the Christian concept of hell is by turns horrific, disconcerting and yet, to some, comforting.

“The Bible is clear.” It’s something I heard all my life. From the pulpit. From Sunday School teachers. From my own parents. It’s a sentence I’ve thrown around myself in years past.

And there are topics which the bible is clear and straightforward on.

Hell is not one of them.

Today I did something different. I paid full price to see a documentary in a movie theater. I bypassed Bruce Willis’ journey back in time to kill his younger self. I forsook serious Ben Affleck. I didn’t even give the quirky teen drama a second thought.

Hellbound? explores the surprisingly vast spectrum of beliefs within Christianity about Hell. Writer and Director Kevin Miller interviews pastors, authors, scholars and even death metal musicians as he navigates us through the issues. From uber-conservative Mark Driscoll to emergent thinker Brian McClaren, from those with absolute certainty to those “living in the mystery”, everyone contributes a verse.

There are three classic positions on hell: those who believe it is a literal place of eternal conscious torment, those who believe it is simply the end of a soul’s existence (annihilationism) and those who believe that is either a temporary or metaphorical condition from which all people will ultimately be redeemed (universalism). What many do not realize is that there is scriptural and historical support for all three sides of the debate. The answers are not simple.

There is something to offend everyone in this film, whether it is a death metal rocker positing that religion is simply a money-making business, or the hateful vitriol of the Westboro Baptist church member who insists that God hates almost everyone. My favourite part is when this 50-year-old woman refers to the interviewer as a pussy. Very godly.

This is not a cheesy church-umentary to be played in church basements and used for neighbourhood outreach. It is a fascinating look at a complex and contentious issue.

The release of Rob Bell’s “Love Wins” rocked the evangelical community last year. There are many who believe we are better off NOT to broach the discussion at all. But these are the questions people are asking. And I have to agree with Gregory Boyd who said “the truth shouldn’t have anything to fear.”

So here’s me, not a bible scholar, or pastor, or theologian; just a regular Jo. And this movie was made for us too. Choose it – Bruce Willis will be killing someone else next month.

9 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Faith, media, spiritual

October 12, 2012

Friday Favourites 33

By So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

My online persona is a real whiner (my offline one is too, but you don’t know that, so I can pretend that she’s nobly stoic or tenaciously cheerful or at least less of a drama queen). I like to think that my tendency to struggle is offset by my deep joy and gratitude for this life we find ourselves living.

I’d write more, but the boy is climbing on the table and trying to grab this computer for the 837th time in the past hour. I think this means he’s feeling better.

Quote

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

~ Jerry Seinfeld


Video which most closely resembles my life:

To follow up yesterday’s post, and of course to spread the word about the dangers of heart disease – love this one!

Video which reminds me how absurd most of my “problems” are:

Without a doubt #FirstWorldProblem is one of the best hashtag threads on twitter (Mom: that means that people on the internet write little sentences about one topic and label them so that everyone can read them). Helps keep things in perspective and makes us laugh at ourselves – this presentation of it is brilliant!

Video which made me think, but enjoy doing it:

We watched a clip from The Truth About Dishonesty at our care group as part of a discussion about the moral path. The animation is entertaining (RSA Animate can make almost any lecture amusing) and I’m always interested in the perspective non-religious people have on the church. What struck me most is our insulation from consequences, ability to rationalize almost anything, and above all, the power of a fresh start.

App

For the first time I’m bringing you an app I haven’t actually used. I love the idea of it. Not another app with 7 different fart sounds or a bizarre game to waste my time, but something to help improve mental health. If you’re convinced that your life and the lives of people you love are not affected by mental illness, you’re probably in denial. Maybe you should see someone about that.

The recommendation from Comments from the Couch with psychologist and therapist, the Ducklows:

“At the core, the Optimism applications are mood charts, designed to help with managing mental and emotional health. They are used as self-help or self-improvement tools for depression, bipolar disorder, and other real life health concerns…

The Optimism apps help you to be more in charge and less dependent on your biology and your emotions. A continual feedback loop, in the form of charts and reports, improves your understanding of who you are, what you are going through and the things that are helping or hindering you.”

So here’s a word from the boy, (I thought I should give him a “turn” after all): 0-o[451536

lklkjagkjkdfaiccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc

jklds4154444444444444444444444444412

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in favourites

October 11, 2012

Once Upon A Time At Our House

By So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

I can feel the sun, warm at my back as I push through that final kilometer. My muscles are pleasantly loose. I’m invigorated by my early morning 10K.

Body and soul in perfect unison. The half hour I spent praying in the quiet of my beloved garden, while the sun inched its way up the horizon, has worked it’s magic. This is why I never miss a sunrise.

I sneak into the girl’s bedroom hoping to wake them myself, but they are already up, as usual. L is helping her little sister study for her french quiz while making her bed. C’s voice still sounds a little scratchy, so I suggest she stay home and take it easy. But she can’t be convinced, she’s committed to her school work and hates to miss a day.

After a long, hot shower I lean my ear against the door of the little ones. Not a peep. They are deep sleepers, and rarely stir before breakfast.

I pull out the loaf of bread I made from scratch yesterday. We’ve tried bread machines, but they just aren’t the same. The yeasty smell always puts a smile on my face. Free range eggs, whole grain toast and organic fruit salad are plated and ready to serve when Daddy carries the sleepy-heads to the table.

Our leisurely family breakfasts are always full of laughter and emotional connection. Together, we pray about our worries and hopes for the day, especially for the struggles of those less fortunate than us. I am humbled by the selflessness and empathy my children display.

The ticking of the clock seems louder and we realize it is time to head out the door. I’m so grateful that Glen has time to get the children ready for school each morning. They eagerly scramble into the clothes I carefully chose for them the night before. B is excited to be in panties “like a big girl.” The boy entertains himself quietly while we gather our school supplies. We get hung up making lunches; there are so many choices and they love them all. But this becomes a teachable moment about nutrition and wise decision making.

The kids groan in complaint as I lay a steamy kiss on their Dad. We’re running ahead of schedule again and he’s in no hurry to leave. When I turn around, my offspring are all buckled in to their seats and waiting in the van. We sing silly songs all the way to school.

The best part of the day so far is still to come: the hug and kiss I get from each one before they dance off to their class. “I love you Mom. You do so much for us and I’m going to miss you all day long.”

No wonder I’m a morning person.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

The Weekly Writing Challenge at Word Press this week is:

Try a different genre of writing

This is mine:

FICTION

My true story bears no resemblance to this one, at all.

Except for the part where I woke up before dawn. That happened.

In the true story my day started at 3:30 with a wet-through-her-diaper bed change, then again at 6:00 with a poop-tastrophe. A husband away on business. A sick and crying toddler. A headstrong 8-year-old who refuses to wear socks (panties – don’t even get me started). An eldest daughter who leaves everything to the last minute and forgot to take out her contacts last night. A girl-who-has-too-often-cried-wolf insisting she’s really sick this time. And a Mom who made her go to school anyway, but got called back to pick her up after 1 hour.

But it also includes: the smell of freshly washed hair, footie jammies, a boy who just wants his Mom to hold him and no one else (as a new adoptive parent this is all kinds of awesome), a joke about cats partying which I didn’t understand, but made B laugh and laugh and laugh, a once reluctant reader who is happily ensconced in her bed devouring her 5th Percy Jackson novel right now, a big sister who asked “what can I do to help Mom?” without being prompted AND a man whom I love more than life who is coming HOME tonight!

Oh, and since everyone is in bed and it is quiet right now. A nap!

So here’s me, and life is good, even here in reality.

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October 9, 2012

What Do You Say?

By So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

Last month I sat around a table with 1/2 a dozen sticky faced toddlers. Each one clutching a mangled dixie cup of cheerios in their hot little hands. Upon reaching the bottom of the cup they lift hopeful eyes in my direction. The more assertive personalities hold up their cup beseechingly.

“What do you say?”

Each one, in turn, squeaks out an adorable “pa-wease.” Even S rubs his tummy to sign the word.

After that, it’s smiles all around, flush with the success of snack acquisition and the effusive praise that comes with having “SUCH good manners.”

This is what we do. We teach our children what to say.

Say “Hi” to Grandma. Wave “Bye-bye.” Tell your brother “No thank you! I don’t like it when you throw sand in my eye/take my toy/hug me until I fall to the ground/bite me on the shoulder.”

We give our children words to foster relationships, stand up for themselves and express their feelings. We teach them how to treat others, and ourselves, with respect. Words are the sticks and stones brick and mortar of relationship development.

At the end of a meal our big kids are expected to clear their plate and say to whomever prepared the meal, “Excuse me, thank you for my dinner.” It’s a pretty habit we admired in the respectful, well-behaved children of other families we know. We do the same in the hopes that one day our children will morph into something similar.

I’m not so deluded as to believe it is always the honest expression of heartfelt gratitude. Some nights is sounds more like “excusemethankyouformydinner, it’s MY turn with the iPad, put it DOWN, it’s NOT FAIR, where’s MY ice cream, DON’T touch me, MOOOOOOO-OOOOOOM.”

Other nights we get the sullen, slumped shoulders version which sounds like the exact opposite of gratitude “Ex-cuuuuse me. Thanks for my ‘dinner.'” And we launch immediately into a lively post-dinner discussion about attitude and tone of voice, which is always fun. “What do you mean? That’s my normal voice. I always talk like that.” This actually does have a ring of truth, since sullen-pre-teen-cool is becoming our new normal. Sigh.

But we plug away. Every time they say the words, they go through the motions of Grateful. If nothing else, it is a reminder that meals do not magically appear on the table; they are a gift of time and effort, and hopefully (most nights) some small amount of skill.

Manners are a big deal in our house. I went toe to toe with the speech therapist who insisted that the sign for “want” was the strong verb B needed to use most in her communication. I insist on “please” when she needs something. It may seem like a small thing, but when words are few, they should be the right ones.

And hopefully attitude will follow action.

The easy part is writing all of this about my children; yet another parenting technique we subscribe to. The hard part is applying it to myself.

Glen and I had one of those rare lingering disagreements this weekend (we usually have heated/hurt feelings/cry/make up/I-can’t-really-remember-what-the-big-deal-was-anyway/quick fights). We are tired and overwhelmed and in this life stage, with head colds all around, it’s probably inevitable. But the lingering is worrisome. And unhealthy. And I haven’t been ready to let it go.

I won’t go into the details (mostly because they are pretty stupid and petty), but we both felt disrespected and devalued. Me, by his actions and he, by my words.

I’ve been absolutely certain that actions trumped words. Wasn’t that the point? Not what we said or how we said it, but what we DID. Sure, I had been a little bit wrong, but he was wrong-er.

So there.

Then this morning I dusted off this blog post that I had started weeks ago: pontificating about the importance of words. Gah. I suck.

I thank the doctor for his time. I say ‘please’ to the waiter who brings me a drink. I excuse myself from a meeting rather than abruptly walking out. I would never demand or yell or belittle someone I had just met. Doesn’t my family, and especially my husband, DESERVE respectful words even more than the strangers and acquaintances I practice my manners on all day long?

I know they do. And when I am feeling entitled and ungrateful and irritated, I can only hope that saying the right words will help adjust MY attitude too.

So here’s me, thanking my husband for all he does. He speaks to me with respect and that means a lot. I’m sorry.

1 Comment   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in marriage, parenting

October 5, 2012

Friday Favourites 32: Search Terms

By So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

Today’s Friday Favourites are by request… a few of my favourite search terms which people have used to find their way to this blog.

They confirm my deeply held belief about humanity:

“People are weird, yo.”

don’t like me quotes – this remains my #1 search term. But I do… like you. I swear.

star wars lightsabers crossed – this is a very popular search also. And I’m dorky enough to be thrilled it leads to ME!

chubby baby, also gestational diabetes baby, chubby babies, big chubby baby, and babies with rolls – C is not thrilled that I posted that baby picture of her. But she was such a cute Buddha Baby!

I’m hard to surprise by a “search term” anymore, but what is really interesting is that these came up MORE THAN ONCE:

it’s the magic of risking everything for a dream that nobody sees but you – I’ve read it over several times, no idea what either of you are talking about.

hipster grandpa – my Dad will be thrilled. All because of my little homage to his dumpster diving tendencies.

instruction on braiding armpit hair – I’ll have to put that one on pintrest.

merits of wearing pants – it’s a lively debate in our house. I’m glad we’re not alone.

ancient diapers – how ancient are we talking? This seems like a good time to send them to talk to their Dad.

orange vomit child, also sticky orange vomit AND best way to handle vomit-covered child – ya, really makes you want to read my blog more often.

A few more, these appeared only once, but that still seems like too many:

movie recommendation for love making – not that kind of blog dude.

oprah’s lifeclass mom doesn’t want to babys it grandkids – what the what?

girl wearing pull up in high school? – tapping into my deepest fear right now…

funny facebook pictures that are appropriate for christians – as opposed to those inappropriate ones that are GREAT for non-christians.

can my down syndrvome baby have a hair cut – yes

big girl panty harness – ummm.

is it true that christian bribes do not wearing panties at their marriage time and remain naked under wedding dress – first of all, when bribing someone to marry you, perhaps going commando is a good idea. But if we assume you mean “bride” then apparently I wasted a lot of money on my wedding day lingerie. Who knew?

you can’t restrain me with logic – right on brother!

daddy wears panties – That’s the rumor. Glen may kill me for this particular post (Underwear Crisis).

he was crazy to not wear underwear – Was he a christian bribe? Cause then it would totally make sense.

im not a hipster but i can make your hips stir lyrics – I would buy this on iTunes. For real.

So here’s me, thank you for reading; however you found me. Except for the handful of people looking for “modern day torture club”; stop reading and seek help immediately.

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , | posted in favourites

October 3, 2012

Lies I Tell Myself

By So Here's Us.... life on the raggedy edge.

Sleep is for the weak.

I’ll just have ONE bite.

This is the best I can do.

I don’t know how this happened.

It’s not like she’s going to wear diapers forever.

That’ll wash right out.

I’m sure it’s just a phase.

There’s probably some nutritional value in it.

These pants must have shrunk in the wash. Again.

I’m just resting my eyes.

It’s not my fault.

And the TRUTHS that make all the difference:

I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Sex burns calories and releases positive endorphins.

I AM doing the best I can.

We’re in this together.

They’re worth it.

God made me special and He loves me very much.

So here’s me, preaching the gospel according to Bob and Larry. I think Preschool Theology is highly underrated.

Note: I do realize that “doing the best I can” made both sides of the list. I shuffled it back and forth several times. Figuring out if it is a lie to let myself off the hook OR a truth to accept about myself is the real trick right now. Well, that and naps. I’m pretty sure a nap will help too.

5 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in parenting